Almost 18 months have passed since the happiest day of my life to date, when we were matched with Dorothy and met her for the first time. Just today I learned that one of my college friends became a dad – welcome Baxter and congratulations Clay and Max. When Clay and I lived at Pearson Scholarship Hall, we were both closeted, nerdy kids trying to find our way through the world. At the time, I never imagined 10 years later that I’d feel so connected to him and his experiences across time and location. The amazing feeling of becoming a father, one who happens to be gay, is something that unites more than it separates but definitely in ways I wouldn’t have expected. So I offer here a few random reflections on becoming a dad who also happens to be gay.
First and foremost I will always be Dorothy’s dad. In the quiet of home, at the moments most sensitive and special between parents and child, that’s all we are to Dorothy – parents. But when you are gay and the prospect of becoming a parent is logistically uncertain, it’s hard not to feel an extra bit of wonder looking back on our blessing. And while the barrage of statements and misrepresentations in the media about who gay parents are and why they might be threatening to your home and your way of life may not hurt you personally, it always hurts me to hear. These have lessened over time but they are still there and make me wince on reading. They are so hurtful; so personal. And yet these people don’t know me. They don’t know Eric. And after a year that has always been exhilarating but at times exhausting, I find it incredibly comical that some societies turn away interested adoptive parents – gay or straight. It happens all the time, because of someone’s age, their sexual orientation, their status as a single person, their religion, kids are kept from growing up in loving homes.
Our families have always been very supportive of our becoming parents but I think it was all rather conceptual until they got our call on Nov. 25. One of the hardest parts of my mom’s accepting my coming out was her reconsidering the plans she had always envisioned for me of becoming a parent. While when I came out I never seriously questioned how that would impact my prospects of becoming a parent, I am sure it created more hesitation among my parents about setting expectations that might not be met. My parents didn’t really know how to mentally wait during the two years we were on the adoption waiting list, seeing the many ups and downs. We didn’t know how to wait either so I can certainly understand this. So when Dorothy arrived, our parents, in particular, were overcome by the emotions of becoming new grandparents on one-day’s notice. They had all become grandparents before and as much as they would likely deny it, I have a feeling they were surprised at how quickly their love for Dorothy overflowed their hearts. I am sure they had guarded themselves while we were waiting (and ever since we came out), but all guards fell instantly.
For many of our straight friends, I think our adoption was a long awaited means of celebrating Eric and my union. It was from our straight friends that we received an astounding number of gifts, packages, and warm greetings, by and large. From our gay friends, with two exceptions, we heard mostly silence. This was quite puzzling and is something which I must admit a continued struggle. I think I expected the most excitement from our gay friends, but that really wasn’t the case. We have a gay cousin who subsequently also became a parent but otherwise no other same-sex families in our circle. So the only thing that I can think is that perhaps these friends don’t fully realize what a momentous event this was for us. But being so tied to the gay community in Kansas City and gay causes generally, this hurt me.
The strange part about this silence was that in many ways I have never felt more blatantly “out” than after becoming a parent. First, as a parent, we quickly learned that you lose all anonymity. As a white male, this ability to be anonymous when I wanted was something I never fully realized I had. But when you are with a young child, everyone tends to get into your business when in public. And Dorothy was stunningly beautiful in particular in as young infant, with her full head of curls and bright disposition. Additionally, with Dorothy being African-American and our being White, we learned very quickly what it truly meant to be a multiracial family and the added level of staring, questioning, and also assumptions that it brings. In our neighborhood in Chicago where we lived when Dorothy arrived, two men walking with a baby of another race meant they it was automatically assumed you were a gay couple with a baby. Quickly we became both parents and also “out” again although in a very different manner. Now the questions rolled in about the adoption process and strangers offered their (mostly supportive, if unrequested) commentary.
I started this entry more than 5 months ago, around the time of Dorothy’s first birthday. And since then we have had a couple of gay friends come back into our lives. Without actually addressing the situation, they approached from the periphery, seemingly still not very comfortable with the situation. To one of these friends, I must apologize for venting. He didn’t deserve to bear the weight of the gay community on his shoulders.
Being a gay dad in Spain? Well, it’s been amazing. The Spanish truly are less judgmental of most differences than other societies. We are by no means the "normal" family here, but so many other families and groups have embraced us. It’s strange because the Spanish are in so many ways stodgy and patriarchal but I feel much more a focus for my questionable fashion sense than I do as a gay dad.
I am not really sure why I am writing this except that I feel I need to. I don’t know if other new gay parents have had similar experiences but I think it would have helped me while becoming a new parent to realize some of the special parts of the experiences that might relate to being gay. The second coming out; the embrace by our straight friends; and the hesitancy of our gay friends were all things I hadn’t foreseen – small streams in the flood of new emotions and experiences the last year has brought.
