Issues of Proportion and Defense

I've landed...well at least somewhat. My feet are back on U.S. soil for the first time in months and more permanently than temporarily. But for the time being, I still feel very confused. My emotions are a web of misdirection, brining joy at being back and close to family again, panic at being back and saying good-bye to Hong Kong, and mostly some disorientation. I find myself focused more now than ever on the differences of the life we've been living and the one we are moving towards, as well as defensive and supersensitive to all things worldy (and unworldly).

It's a Sunday afternoon and I type away at a Starbucks on the Plaza that looks little different from that of Lan Kwai Fong. But even here, I am struck by the small differences...the smallest size of coffee I can order in KC is the second to largest size in HK. In fact, the Starbucks there recently introduced a new super small size to cater to their clients. America truly is sipping on the big gulp. The buildings that appear through the mural-sized windows are urban in design but seem diminutive to me now. Even in it's most urban setting, KC is two-stories high and miles wide.

I've noticed since our move to Asia a certain sensitivity to discussions and topics which I was learning more about and experiencing daily. Like an withdrawling Asia junkie, the sensitivity has heightened. Yesterday, again at a Starbucks (I really do go other places), I had to bight my tongue when a man walked in and requested Chinese dim sum tea. He made his plea in a way that spoke more to the prestige he thought his "knowledgeable" question would bring in its utterance rather than as a practical use of words intended to get a good tea. I cringed. I am still cringing. While I have to give the guy credit for knowing the term "dim sum," dim sum is in no way a tea, but rather a style of food typical of the Hong Kong region, including dumpling and stuffed rolls.

sensitivity can be a wonderfully dangerous emotion. It awakens with it a line of other senses, good and bad, but in a world where we are hit with stimulants from all sides, coping and living often need to be done in a deadened (or at least slightly numbed) state. Gosh, that sounds pessimistic, but right now that's how I am feeling. I wonder when I will again get to a place where I don't notice some of these things. I want that and I fear that, the stability that comes from being comfortable and used to your surroundings.

I just found a site that makes me feel a little better:

http://www.expat-repat.com/inbound.html

Just the few things they said here make me feel less strange in my emotional flood. Coming back is much harder than going. I feel more different now than I have ever felt. All these things will take time and acceptance to deal with.